Reflections upon my 59th Trip Around the Sun

Thinking about dreams left unfulfilled, the nature of time, and what to do with our one precious life...

Birthday Hike!

I turned 59 on the absolute coldest day of the winter this year. I had wanted to go to a local state park and do a nice little hike, but, the extreme cold, the fact that I had a meeting later that day and a class to teach that evening, meant postponing the celebration until the weekend. Not ideal, as it would be crowded (and I don’t particularly like crowded spaces), but, that was my only option.

So, yesterday morning I filled the thermos with coffee, filled a water bottle, bundled up, and hit the road. Its not a bad drive, a mere 50 minutes or so, and it provided a nice opportunity to let my mind wander a bit and listen to some permaculture podcasts. Once at the location, I grabbed my walking stick and hit the trail. The conditions were a bit treacherous, as every trail was covered in ice. There are streams that run off the main river and into a series of canyons, and almost every path is narrow and icy with a deep drop off on one side. Since I didn’t have my crampons on my boots, I decided to play it safe, and not take the paths down into any of canyons with their frozen waterfalls. I stayed at the top of the ridges, trying to enjoy my communion with nature, but the noisy hikers in huge groups, kids yelling, and even someone walking by with loud music playing (seriously?????) started to irritate. I finally found an area where the bridge was out and the trail closed, so nobody was around. I scaled a few snow covered rocks until I found the perfect sit spot, and that’s where I laid down in the snow for a bit. My back was damp, even with a heavy down coat on, and the wind was cold blowing against my cheeks, but the sun was shining and making the bare tree branches shine and sparkle above my head. I let my mind and spirit wander up to the electric blue sky, and I released all the pent up fear that had been stored inside of me for weeks. I thought about the coming year, my last one as an under-60 year old woman, and asked for guidance about how to thrive in the face of scary times.

Don’t Slip!

Ahhh…this was exactly what I needed!

Funny part to this story, as I was laying there in the snow, a couple walked past and must’ve thought I was having an emergency, they stop and yelled over, “are you okay?”, lol. Sigh. This is why I prefer remote places.

I’m not completely anti-social, I just like silence on the trail. This is my spiritaul experiance, so human noises tend to disrupt.

But, once I finished hiking back up the slippery trail to the lodge, I was more than happy to socialize with the lovely people gathered around the large stone fireplace. As I sat warming up by the fire, with some crocheting in my lap, I chatted with two young women who were working on a puzzle nearby. We talked about the uncertainty and stress in our government, what each of was doing to protest what we all saw as egregious actions, and we shared gardening and basket weaving tips. Later, another young woman stopped by the fireplace to warm up and struck up a conversation. Turned out she was one of my former students (graduated in 2018) who is now working as a school social worker in Wisconsin! She remembered my class, and I remembered her project- it was so nice to catch up and see what she had done in the years since. What a small world! I love these kinds of serendipitous moments, and, after 25 years of teaching, they happen more and more, lol. After a crocheting session by the fire, I treated myself to a belated birthday lunch at the lodge restaurant/bar, and then I did one more short hike in the snow before heading home. I made it home in time to replenish the fire in the woodstove, as there were still coals burning, and feed all the livestock before sunset, then enjoy a mug of homemade hot chocolate with whipped cream.

My idea of a good birthday!

Its only when I take time out to go to the woods, walk, sit, think, and dream, that I can clear my mind and find new insights or new ways of seeing the world. I cherish this time so much!

I must admit, this birthday is hitting different for me than I’d expected. I fully anticipated that turning 60 would be a milestone for me, and possibly lead to some deep reflections. But, 59??? I’m surprised that I’ve been feeling mixed emotions and a sense of urgency with this one. Its as if I only have 1 more year left to accomplish things, or put larger plans in action. I have no idea why this is, perhaps its because of the current uncertainty that seems to hang over everything.

Whatever the reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about what my life could look like in my last decades on the planet (that is, if I’m lucky enough to live into my 80s). What kind of life will I have? Will I be able to fulfill any more of my dreams, while I’m still healthy and active? There are still a couple of small “dreams” I have, that I wish I could pursue before its too late. There are other “dreams” or goals that I have let go of over the years, and I have slowly whittled down my aspirations to something very simple and very basic. I just want to live simply, close to nature, and preserve/restore/rewild a little piece of land for humans who are hurting to come and enjoy, and to preserve a space for the wildlife, plants, and trees that call that space home.

Most dreams take time, some take money, and living in such precarious times I realize that both of these resources will continue to be limited for me. I’m doing my best to save, and trying my hardest to also focus on what I have now in the moment- my family, friends, a secure place to live, lots of community connections, and some lovely places in nature within an hour’s drive…But, its hard to let ALL of your dreams go, and as you get older you realize how little time there is left.

I have been re-examining my values lately, asking myself what is truly important and what can really be let go of in these times. Have you also been re-examining your values and priorities lately? What have you let go of, and what have you been emphasizing?

I know for certain that I want to live with less- less stuff, less material goods, less stress, less complications. I have been trying hard to pare down my expenses in order to prepare for retirement and (hopefully?) fulfilling one last dream.

Then there is the “more” of life- the what do you want to make room for, after you’ve pared things down?

I want to make room for more fulfilling relationships, more time spent in nature, more restoring habitat for wildlife, more observing the patterns of wind/leaves/birds , more regenerative food, more rewilding overdeveloped spaces (including myself!), more laughing, more singing, more dancing, and more helping humans/plants/& animals to heal.

I have a vision, a small parcel of land- forest, grassland, streams- restored and preserved as a place for humans to come and learn about holistic healing and wellness and connecting more closely to the natural world. A place that is natural, wild, and free. I only hope I can make this dream come true while I’m still healthy and active.

I want to trade "progress” for “wild things”….

“There are some who can live without wild things, and some who cannot…Like winds and sunsets, wild things were taken for granted until progress began to do away with them. Now, we face the question whether a still higher standard of living is worth its costs in things natural, wild, and free. For us of the minority, the opportunity to see geese is more important that television, and the chance to find a pasque-flower is a right as inalienable as free speech…We of the minority see a law of diminishing returns in progress, our opponents do not.” —Aldo Leopold, March, 1948

Aldo Leopold, a forester/conservationist/naturalist/environmentalist/philosopher and a professor, wrote these words just one month before he died while helping his neighbor fight a grass fire. Leopold had just finished his famous, A Sand County Almanac, a book that documented his development of a “land ethic” in working to restore a piece of degraded farmland that he and his family had purchased in Wisconsin. Leopold gave us the concept of trophic cascades, and the understanding that all creatures are linked in this ecoweb of life, and that humans are not separate from nature. He is the man who changed his thinking about the complete eradication of wolves after looking into the eyes of one he had just shot, and upon seeing “a fierce green fire dying in the eyes of a wolf”, he realized that the wolf, just as the mountain, had every right to exist. He once said that, “Ethical behavior is doing the right thing when no one else is watching-even when doing the wrong thing is legal.”

May we all follow his lead, as its needed now more than ever.

Pure Beauty!